Hey everyone ! Today I thought I would do a more personal post, because I’ve been feeling a lot of emotions in those last few days. Some of you may know, but I’m in France right now until this Tuesday, because I’ve been feeling really low mentally. I am now living in England far from my family, I have to do everything myself, and there are some days during which I just can’t cope with all of that anymore. This is what happened last Monday. I cried during the whole day, and I decided it was time for me to take a break, because I needed to take care of myself. I don’t want to sound like someone super emotional who can’t deal with anything. But this time I just needed to be home with my family, so I took a plane the next day to France. This is not something I’ve ever done before, so I think this was a break I seriously needed.
A lot of things are going on in my head. I’m wondering about my future, about what I want for myself. A lot has changed during the past few years. A LOT. I feel like I’ve grown fast, but sometimes I also feel like I’m 14. It is weird. When I look at myself in the mirror, I can definitely see the changes. Some are positive, some not so much. There are days when I feel like I can do anything, and some during which I feel like hiding in my room.
For the last couple of years, I’ve tried to grow confident. But will I ever be able to say « Hey, I’m confident! » ?? I doubt that. I try everyday to look like I have the control, like I can face the stress Uni is bringing every single day to me. Lately, there hasn’t been one day during which something hasn’t been stressing me out or during which I haven’t wanted to run away from everything. I’m always trying to give the best image of myself, like someone who can handle it. But what if I can’t?? What if it isn’t for me ? What if I can’t live alone, what if I can’t take care of all of that alone ? I don’t know. I’m sort of lost in all of that.
This post is going nowhere, but I just need to write about that. Maybe some will understand. Or maybe some will think I’m such an hypocrite complaining, knowing that I’m going to Uni in London, nothing less, nothing more. But what if it isn’t that great ?
Because yes, I’m not satisfied with it. Because sometimes I feel like it is a pure waste of time. Because sometimes I want to scream and say « Hey, I’m not a pro, so please help me, I think you’re here for that ».
I don’t know really. Am I the only one to be so confused at the moment? I just don’t know what to do ..
I’ll speak to you all soon, have a great day. Liz.